Looking at cats now a criminal offence

Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr

The global craze for cat videos has suddenly lost its innocence, as confirmed by Pornhub. The largest pornography site on the Internet has revealed this week that ‘kitty videos’ has become its second most popular search term worldwide, leaving behind the classic ‘MILF’ and ‘Asian’ categories. Experts estimate that a good 3.4 billion people share the fetish for the furry beasts.

The report has instantly triggered a hefty reaction. The World Animal Protection organisation is demanding immediate measures to identify the perpetrators and to stop animal cruelty. The FBI have announced that their foremost priority is the protection of the underage subjects, promptly setting up an international task force to target and remove any materials featuring kittens.

In USA alone, thousands of spinsters are currently under investigation for abuse, with their cats placed in temporary protective custody until further notice.

Other countries have jumped to action as well. A spokesperson for the Russian Roskomnadzor, the Federal Service for Supervision of Communications, Information Technology and Mass Media, has already confirmed that cat videos have been added to the Internet blacklist, and a prison sentence of 12 years has been introduced for anyone found to own and disseminate prohibited materials. In China, cats have been declared illegal altogether; means to enforce the new regulation are yet to be defined.

Psychiatrists claim that we should have seen it coming – with internet sensations such as the Grumpy Cat, Colonel Meow, and Monty, just to name a few, it was only a question of time until the harmless admiration turned into an unhealthy obsession.

The fact that feline terms such as pussy were being used in a sexual context has prepared the grounds for this phenomenon. Experts advise that judging by how the trend is developing, roosters and beavers may become the next victims.