In CrossFit we trust

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.

After nearly two years of heated debates, CrossFit has been officially recognised as a religion in the United States, as confirmed by the speaker of the White House Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships. This is a notable achievement for the movement, which has to date been classified as a sect, forced to hide out in basements and fully dependent on obligatory contributions of its members.

The happy news have brought the jubilant parish to an improvised celebration in the streets, where they shouted out motivational phrases, while performing burpees, squats and jumping jacks.

As an official religion, CrossFit will now benefit from public funding, which will finally ensure its financial stability. The upgrade of its trainers to clergy, apart from improving their public standing, will also grant them significant tax benefits.

There remains much to do for the young religion to make the transition from a fringe cult to a reputable religious movement. The Head of the Church needs to be formally elected and sworn in, and the stocks of holy whey protein and kettlebells need to be urgently replenished in anticipation of new adepts.

But most importantly, perhaps, while scholars have published numerous books laying down the basic rules of CrossFit, there is no universally accepted scripture yet. A fundamental canonical text is absolutely essential in bringing together the community and uniting the different branches of the faith. Failure to settle the differences peacefully is likely to lead to a full-fledged war – and a conflict between devoted, weight-trained and resilient individuals will soon turn into a massacre of a truly apocalyptic magnitude.