Donald Trump to receive the much-needed medical treatment

It came to light today that Donald Trump, the eccentric US billionaire, has an unresolved legal dispute with the European Surgical Association. His lawyers filed a lawsuit following the news of ongoing talks between Dr. Sergio Canavero and a Russian programmer with Werdnig-Hoffman disease, who was being considered as a potential donor for the planned revolutionary head transplantation.

Mr. Trump was appalled at the news as he felt cheated of his priority: he has been an avid supporter of the procedure since its very early days and had invested into related research in exchange for being placed on the top of the donor list. He already set his mind on a particular body donor – David Beckham, and was on standby waiting for the call into surgery with his hospital bags packed.

Apparently, Donald Trump was planning a total makeover, split into two phases: after upgrading his body, he also wanted to get his hands on a new head. He had originally eyed Brad Pitt as a possible donor, but he did not approve of the actor’s recent lifestyle and hairstyle choices and has therefore been considering other candidates.

When asked for a commentary, Dr. Canavero was at a loss for words:

That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works. There won’t be any body snatching or head grabbing while I’m here! Our goal is to help people who need it, not rich celebrities who want it. We already said ‘no’ to Bruce Jenner months ago.

While it is unlikely that Mr. Trump will make the headlines as a subject of Dr. Canavero’s HEAVEN-GEMINI project, his name may after all appear in the annals of science. The team of Ohio-based scientists who have recently succeeded in growing an almost fully-developed human brain consider him a perfect candidate for a cerebrum implant. Mr. Trump’s brain has been wasting away for years, with his cognitive functions deteriorating rapidly over the last months.

The scientists from the Ohio State University have already put him on a transplant waiting list in the Status 1A category. They are working night and day in a bid against time, trying to perfect the procedure before Mr. Trump suffers from a complete brain failure. The artificial brain has been assessed as comparable to that of a five-week-old foetus, which would give Mr. Trump a significant boost in mental abilities, allowing him to finally lead a nearly normal life.