Bear Grylls reputedly responsible for extinction of Western black rhino

Last sighting of a triceratops

After the tragic incident on the island, where contestants of Bear Gryll’s show “The Island with Bear Grylls” killed and ate a protected American crocodile, new information came to light. People from all over the world are now blaming Bear for the extinction of the Western black rhinoceros. Several witnesses confirmed seeing Bear Grylls killing some, and there is at least one witness who saw Bear stalking the last free rhino.

Bear Grylls has acquired fame as an outdoor adventurer and survivalist, although informally he is rather known for drinking just about anything and eating all that moves. The list of critters pitilessly hunted by Bear and devoured raw (and oftentimes alive) seems endless: zebra, yak, goat, camel, pig, fish, crabs, all sorts of maggots and larvae. His appetite evidently knows no limits. The newest allegations seem all the more plausible considering that there has been a precedent – captured on camera – of Bear consuming rhinoceros beetles, which probably only made him lust for the ‘real thing’.

A spokesman from the World Wildlife Fund, an organisation aiming to conserve biodiversity, has noted that:

Bear Grylls ought to be criminally prosecuted for his actions. He is literally eating away our future. What he does is not only immoral and unethical, but also goes against our nature. He needs to be made aware that the human body is not designed to eat and process meat – our teeth are not long and sharp enough, our intestines are too long, and our digestive system is too alkaline. Besides, he is not being a good Christian!

A team of forensic specialists has been engaged to examine the evidence for the case. In addition, it has been confirmed that the investigations have been expanded to also detect any possible links between Bear’s voyages and the now also extinct Eastern cougar and Formosan clouded leopard.

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