Annual Corruption Award 2015: United Nations and FIFA lead the charts

Secretary General Ban Ki MoonSecretary General Ban Ki Moon

Never has the Annual Corruption Award 2015 been as anticipated as this year, featuring several strong nominees and a tough choice for a jury. Just a few months ago, the winner seemed almost certain – but now nobody can tell who will win this prestigious International Award.

This year’s nominees in the category ‘Corrupted to the Bone’ are: the United Nations, including all its specialised agencies and OSCE, FIFA, NATO, the National Rifle Association, the World Jewish Congress, the International Automobile Federation, and all of the United Arab Emirates.

They all undoubtedly deserve the highest corruption awards, but unfortunately, the jury only has one prize to give. All nominees will be evaluated in the usual sub-categories ‘Most Bribes’, ‘Opacity’, ‘Members not in jail’ and, of course, the ‘Benefits’.

The bookmakers tip on two favorites this year: the FIFA and the UN. Even children are aware these days just how high FIFA ranks among the most corrupt criminal organisations. But now it seems that FIFA got itself a strong competitor for the leaderboard: the United Nations threatens to outshine FIFA in bribing and nepotism. Both organisations demonstrate astonishing opacity: even high-ranking CIA officials envy the secrecy of operations in both structures. Nobody really knows what the UN and FIFA are meant to officially do or cover for.

The hiring policies of the UN have long been praised as the most sophisticated and obfuscated in the world. The organisation has significantly contributed to intergovernmental corruption, employing offspring of numerous international officials. Extra points have always been awarded for improvisation and innovation for the UN’s revolutionary so-called ‘promotions’, which are not possible officially, but are nevertheless granted in all of the UN duty stations thanks to corruption.

Although FIFA loses to the UN in the sub-category ‘Members not in jail’, free FIFA members are incredibly well-connected and have allegedly stole more per person than an average UN diplomat will ever be able to do.

The ‘Benefits’ sub-category is rather consistent across the board – all the above organisations have plenty to boast about: private school and rental subsidies, VIP licence plates and extended home leaves are just the tip of the benefits iceberg. The World Jewish Congress also has a free matza plan for its members.

The decision on the winner will not be easy. Most of the nominated organisations have already tried bribing the jury experts: the UN took it a step further and attempted to hire them as staff, granting them diplomatic immunity, which adds more points to the organisation for its aggressive strategy and originality.